Categorized | Mark Timmons

Screw Hiroki Kuroda

I hope that Hiroki Kuroda signs with the Colorado Rockies, mostly because he is a worthless piece of crap who has the brains of a snail.  Other than that, I think he’s a wonderful idiot!  Hiroki loved the Dodgers so much that he refused a traded to a team (BoSox) where he might have won a World Series (and cost the Dodgers a really nice pick) because he only wanted to play major league baseball for his beloved Dodgers.  Now, since the Dodgers have signed Chris Capuano, and he sees that he is not in the Dodgers plans (he said he wasn’t sure he wanted to play in America in 2012), he now wants to be a HO and sign with whoever pays him.

Screw you Hiroki, you worthless piece of crap.  You swine. You vulgar little maggot. You worthless bag of filth. As they say in Texas, you couldn’t pour water out of a boot with instructions printed on the heel. You are a canker, an open wound. I would rather kiss a lawyer than be seen with you. You took your last vacation in the Islets of Langerhans.

You’re a putrescent mass, a walking vomit. You are a spineless little worm deserving nothing but the profoundest contempt. You are a jerk, a cad, and a weasel. I take that back; you are a festering pustule on a weasel’s rump. Your life is a monument to stupidity. You are a stench, a revulsion, a big suck on a sour lemon.

I will never get over the embarrassment of belonging to the same species as you. You are a monster, an ogre, a malformity. I barf at the very thought of you. You have all the appeal of a paper cut. Lepers avoid you. You are vile, worthless, less than nothing. You are a weed, a fungus, the dregs of this earth. You are a technicolor yawn. And did I mention that you smell?

You are a squeaking rat, a mistake of nature and a heavy-metal bagpipe player. You were not born. You were hatched into an unwilling world that rejects the likes of you. You didn’t crawl out of a normal egg, either, but rather a mutant maggot egg rejected by an evil scientistas being below his low standards. Your alleged parents abandoned you at birth and then died of shame in recognition of what they had done to an unsuspecting world. They were a bit late, and we are weary of your ilk.

Hiroki, you could have accepted a trade and got the Dodgers a nice prospect, maybe won a World Series and then came back in 2012, but NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO, you stupid moronic savage!

Oh, Good Luck.  I hope to see you in Colorado where we can beat what few brains you have out!

But, I’m not bitter!

And, while we are talking about not being bitter, the Dodgers can sign a wife-beating, PED using, traveling secretary-beating, dumbass named Manny, who is back on the market…

About Mark Timmons

When you see the invisible, you can do the impossible!

66 Responses to “Screw Hiroki Kuroda”

  1. Chris says:

    That was probably the worst thing I have ever read in my life. Go to hell.

  2. Disgraceful says:

    What a fucking horrible piece. You’re a disgrace to bloggers everywhere.

  3. Dodgerfan4life says:

    First time poster, long-time reader.

    Some people have no sense of humor. I get your tongue-in-cheek humor, but some morons do not.

  4. Unbelievable says:

    I can’t believe I just read that. I am ashamed for giving this article a view and I am ashamed a so-called Dodger “fan” and blogger could write such hateful things. This is truly one of the most disgraceful pieces of writing I have read in my life.

    You know who the worthless piece of crap is here? You, Mark Timmons, you are. I’m sure I’m not alone in saying that I will never visit your site again after reading such hateful words. Not that I ever much valued what you had to say, but this crossed a line so far I can hardly believe it.

    • Mark_Timmons says:

      I feel so much smarter now that you have left the room. IDIOT! Can\’t take a joke?

      • Unbelievable says:

        Sure I can take a joke, but there was absolutely no need to take it as far as you did. I have to wonder what your point was in writing such a hateful piece. Why did you write it? What was your intention? To me at least it comes off as incredibly childish, disgraceful, and unnecessarily vulgar and extreme, and I personally find no reason to continue to read someone who so “comedically” throws out such hateful words, in a joking matter or not.

  5. Chris says:

    What about this is at all clever or funny? Nothing. I can take a joke. This doesn’t strike me as a joke.

  6. Dodgerfan4life says:

    I have been reading this blog for years and I knew immediately it was a joke. Some people are clueless, Mark. You need to write literally and explain every word or they will ridicule you for it.

    • Damian says:

      Well yeah, it was obviously a “hey look how much I’m overreacting, heh heh” kind of “joke”, but what exactly was funny about it? A stupid, mean joke is still stupid and mean.

  7. Max says:

    The thing about jokes is they’re supposed to at least attempt to be funny. This? This was not funny. It has hateful and borderline racist. This is my first time visiting this site and I read this article to know that I will never, ever return. As you said, Mark, I am ashamed of “belonging to the same species” as someone who would write something this disgraceful.

    • RogerCraig says:


      Maybe you should read it more often before passing judgement or since your mind is already made up, maybe you do not want to be confused by the facts. Is that it?

      • Max says:

        No, I don’t need to read this site more to know that this hateful, borderline racist spewing isn’t funny. I’d like to try to avoid reading anything as atrocious as this. I shouldn’t need to defend my belief that this isn’t funny, and shame on you for saying that it is. There is literally nothing funny about the names that the writer of this post called a fellow human being who never did anything wrong except lost faith in the fact that the team he supported supported him.

  8. RogerCraig says:

    I guess your humor needs to be politically correct to make the liberals feel warm and fuzzy. You obviously do not cater to them. I imagine you will lose some sleep…

    • Craigary says:

      What does this have to do with politics? This is a classless, crass, unfunny piece of dreck. The defensive responses to commenters here who were upset by it does nothing to help Timmons’ cause. If he really wanted to write something sarcastic about Kuroda leaving LA — rather than attacking Kuroda, which certainly is not clear at all from this piece — he could’ve done it in about one paragraph and moved on. As a Dodger fan, this kind of thing sullies us on. I only hope it’s due to the blogger being off certain medications today and then we can excuse it.

      Otherwise, it does a disservice to any of us who know how hard Kuroda played for the Dodgers while he was in LA, and often with very little run support, and never complained. He deserves better than this.

      Good luck to the 20 of you who will still regularly read this job for more such pieces who will no doubt give Mark Twain a run for his money as one of America’s great humorists.

  9. Mark_Timmons says:

    Boy, are some of you guys clueless. You need to understand a few things:

    1. I am married to an Asian, so to call me a racist is just plain ignorant! If the shoe fits wear it!

    2. If jokes have to be explained, you must be blonde! Whoops, there I go being racist again!

    3. I am willing to bet that you are using a double-standard when measuring me. Use the same standards on yourself.

    • Chris says:

      1. Good for you.

      2. Good jokes don’t need to be explained. Bad ones do.

      3. I don’t think we are, at least I’m not.

    • Max says:

      Being married to an Asian does not exempt you from being a racist. It is not some sort of “get out of racism free” card. It’s just a poor iteration of the classic “I can’t be [bad characteristic for a person to have], because some of best friends are [people I'm making offensive jokes about].”

    • Petra says:

      Lol @ your “I’m married to an Asian so don’t call me racist.” That’s like saying I can’t be racist because my best friend is black.

    • Sibs says:

      I’m sorry your slope wife is married to a stupid faggot like yourself.

      • Mark_Timmons says:

        Hey Sibs,

        Maybe you can say that to my face someday tough guy!

        I hope you try.

        Is your IQ above 80?

  10. Anthony G. says:


    You sound like a self-righteous humorless idiot. Wow, you read 1 post and you’re ready to pass judgement to the world because I’m sure your opinion is the only right one. And I’m sure you’re a wonderful writer, probably Pulitzer Prize worthy, right? Try stepping away from your computer for a moment and getting a life.

    • Max says:

      Anthony, I think you are missing some key facts here. I read one post that was also the hateful speech I have ever reading on a sports blog. Also, I’m obviously not the only one in this thread to miss the joke, but if a rant as full of hatred as this one can be interpreted as a joke by the most loyal of readers, then something with the guy who wrote it and at least some of his previous writings, as well.
      I never claimed to be Pulitzer-worthy, but I can see with utmost certainty that I have never, ever written or said something this hateful at anyone before.
      My opinion is not the only one, of course not, but name-calling to the extent that the writer did is simply never funny, ever.

      • Anthony G. says:

        Go cry to your mother about it. Seriously, though, why is it ok for you to say something is wrong with the author? I guess when you do it, it’s ok. You sound like a whiny little baby who got picked on during recess.

  11. Mark_Timmons says:


    Hiroki Kuroda was an asset to the Dodgers last year, but he\’s 37 and I believe is in danger of injury. He proclaimed that he wanted to be a Dodger, but wasn\’t willing to accept a trade that would have helped the Dodgers (long run). He said he didn\’t want to play anywhere else, and now this?

    I respect the ability of baseball players, but many of them are not rocket scientists. See Manny about that.

    Good Luck, Hiroki, but I do hope we beat you!

    • Adam says:

      You maybe should have written an iteration of this the first time. That was some messed up shit.

      Not sure if you have any relations/communications with the Dodgers, but something tells me you won’t after this.

    • Juan Chulo says:

      If he wanted to be a Dodger like you said, then give me a good reason why he would accept a trade across the country to where he ha said he has no desire to play?

  12. Jae says:


    My apologies. I am Asian (Japanese) and must say I am sorry for my misguided brothers. They are humorless. Sorry.

  13. Lever says:

    I got the joke as soon as I read it, Mark. You should not let a couple of morons stop you. They are insane… or worse!

  14. Bismack says:

    The issue isn’t whether or not it was a joke. We can all tell it was intended as a joke. The issue is that, in making this joke, all you did was insult Kuroda and call him names. Not only is this name-calling rant terrible comedy (just because it’s a joke doesn’t mean it’s funny), but it’s also really insulting, both to Kuroda (who is not above criticism, but doesn’t deserve to be called all that crap) and to readers who expected quality writing. There are ways to criticize people, even harshly and even in a comedic fashion, that extend beyond calling someone whatever names you can think of.

    Look, just because you say something as a joke doesn’t absolve you from bad things that you said during the telling of the intended joke. If, for example, I told a racist joke, I’m still saying something racist, even if it was completely meant as a joke. Same thing applies here- even though these insults were intended as a joke, they were still insults. And insults and criticism are two completely different things.

    Also, coming from a fellow blogger, insulting readers, even if they are critical of you, is usually not a good thing to do.

  15. Jared says:

    Mark, you know how much I appreciate what you’ve done for me, but I was really offended by this post. Whether it was intended to be funny or not, it really wasn’t worth posting. I know you’re capable of writing thoughtful posts and I think this should show you that visitors on this site expect more from you.

    • Mark_Timmons says:


      That’s why I got you your own blog, so you wouldn’t have to be associated with this.

      I mean, if anyone thinks this was not a joke… well I don’t know what to say.

      If I wrote it about a white guy like Aaron Miles, no one would have said a thing.

      My best fiend who is black, says “You can’t say crazy stuff about minorities like you can about white guys.”

      Well, I can.

      Sorry if I offended anyone, but you need to look in the mirror…

  16. jay arr says:

    Ching chong chink choing! Ask your wife to translate that for you mark!

  17. DodgerFan.est.1983 says:

    Great article…funny joke…unbelievable s butt must still be hurting from that whooping by USC… Fight on Mark keep going against the grain

  18. Mark_Timmons says:

    Let me throw some more fuel on the fire:

    1. I know some white racists (like KKK idiots);

    2. Some of the biggest racists I have seen are Asian and Black;

    3. The common thread is that they are all people and people are racists – you don\’t think you are and I don\’t think I am, but sometimes we are wrong.

    • Adam says:

      You are focusing on the race thing, but it’s definitely more about how overboard you went and how disgusting the things you said were. It’s pretty deplorable. Also, not many comedians’ punchlines are 5 paragraphs long. It tends to not be funny if it is. Sleep on this one, you’ll probably realize that you should come back and apologize for this.

  19. Bill Russell says:

    Mark just get the meds refilled and lets all move on. It’s not the end of the world here.

  20. sandy_koufax says:

    Last I checked, this was America and humor was just that. Do any of you idiots ever watch Leno or Letterman?


    Do not let idiots deter you frm saying what you want. You have never been hurtful.

    They feel that they can attack you but if you come back at them they cry foul. What a bunch.

  21. Broxton's Bunny Soul says:

    I knew it was a joke, it just wasn’t funny. I hope you live a long and prosperous life, but that everyone you love gets long debilitating illnesses that cause you pain and as much financial hardship that puts you in abject povertyof the mind and the soul. I hope your daughter severs the relationship you’ve spent so long trying to reestablish and never speaks again. I hope you go out of business and I hope a Democrat gets elected president until the day you die, alone and penniless.

    Haha! Just Kidding! Isn’t that a funny joke?


    • RogerCraig says:

      Mark said nothing like what you just said, Bunny. That is why you are also a worthless piece of crap! You like to pile on regardless of the facts.

      • Broxton's Bunny Soul says:

        What? That’s not funny! Wow! You have no sense of humor considering that you found Mark’s Kuroda joke funny… hypocritical humor I guess.

  22. RogerCraig says:

    The haters are just so wrong.

    Ignore them and move on.

  23. jay destro says:

    The world would be a better place if you put your blogging efforts into something else. Maybe like at home self-dentistry or heroin use. Anything. Just don’t write about baseball, baseball players or even baseball equipment. Don’t even draw circles. Just go do something else

    Other than that, love the blog.

  24. Mark_Timmons says:


    Let me give you some advice:

    If you do not like what I say, get the hell out!

    I am not going to cater to your moronic whims.

    If you are insulted – LEAVE. PLEASE!

    I have my opinion.

    I have my humor.

    If that conflicts with yours, LEAVE!

    This is America – what a great country!

    • Broxton's Bunny Soul says:

      Your humor does conflict with mine, but why would I go away. It’s a lot more fun to deride you on your own site. America is a great country. I can deride you with my opinion until the day I die.

  25. Dodgerfan4life says:


    I do not always agree with you, but you have a take and I appreciate what you do regardless of what a few haters may say.

    Keep up the good work!

  26. Mark_Timmons says:

    Hey guys,

    I am going to have to go. I have a lot of things to do tonight, so feel free to slander me all you want.

    I love you all.

    • Adam says:

      Yes, you poor thing, getting slandered.

      I assume someone with your “sense of humor”, the irony of you saying that is not lost on you.

  27. Rob McMillin says:

    Let’s be clear here: this is not humor. This is not comedy. This is vitriol, and badly written at that.

    I’m removing my sidebar link for this site, effective immediately. Good riddance.

  28. Hiroki Kuroda says:

    Love how you wrote this article completely seriously and then tried to play it off as “humor”. Nice try

  29. Jae says:

    As an Asian, I can tell you that most of the vitriol directed towards you was from Asians.

    Make of it what you will.

  30. Lindsay says:

    not angry…just didn’t think it was funny, besides, what’s done is done…

  31. Dodgerfan4life says:


    Many people just believe what they want. They have a bottom line and work up to prove their point.


  32. Anonymous says:



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