Dear Dodger Fans,
I have been reading this blog for quite some time along with what many of you say about me, and then I read want Mr. Simers wrote in The LA Times yesterday. I slept on it overnight and decided that you all were right. When Mr. Simers said “Why can’t the Dodgers act more like the Red Sox and Yankees when it comes to improving their teams?” I was crushed, but Good News! I took it to heart and have decided that the Dodgers will become the Red Sox/Yankees West. I will dole out these big contracts. In fact, I’ll get Cliff Lee and Adrian Beltre TODAY, if you want.
However, it’s a two-way street. I am going to have to implement some big changes and so are you. OK, the first thing is that you can’t keep coming in at around the third inning and leave in the seventh. I saw all the taillights leaving the stadium on what was the biggest single play ever in Los Angeles Dodger history in 1988. I mean, to create the atmosphere that the Red Sox and Yankees have, you fans have to come early and stay late. Are you willing to do that? If I have to make some changes, so do you, and if you come early and stay late, it means more food and beer sales, which gives me more money to pay these free agents. Oh, and while I’m at it, I have to raise the alcohol prices to match the Red Sox and Yankees. I’m just sayin’…
Alright – we are on the same page. You are going to get there early, stay late and maybe get a little rowdy in the process. That would be good. I’ll just mention the next thing in passing – no big deal – but if I’m going to operate like the Yankees and Red Sox, then parking has to double (you know I understand Red Sox parking) and ticket prices will have to increase 260% so that we can be on the same level as the Yankees and Red Sox. You do want those free agents you have been clamoring for, don’t you? Oh, and we really need you to put butts in those seats every game, so I’ll expect a sell out each home game, OK?
Well, we are getting there aren’t we? Just two more small matters and we’ll get this all wrapped up. The Yankees had their stadium built by the city of New York, so I want the City of LA to buy Dodger Stadium for just $600,000,000. I mean, that’s a great deal. I will keep the real estate around the stadium and build “Dodgertown” so that I can have the additional revenue from the bars, shops and restaurants and the Dodger Hall of Fame and an Amusement Park. That will be an additional source of income that will give me another advantage over the Evil Empires. I will be able to pay Jamie off and build a “world-class destination with the money.
Finally, I am going to ask Fox to rescind their TV contract so that mine can start right now. I know that when they see what big plans I have, they will capitulate. No problem! That will be so awesome and put me on a level playing field with the Yankees and Red Sox. I can hardly wait!
As you know, the Yankees currently have $450 million of revenue while the Dodgers only have $270 million of revenue. The Dodgers spend a higher percentage of their revenue on payroll than the Yankees do. This will level the playing field. If you keep your word and pay double for parking and the 260% increase in tickets as well as showing up early and staying late, while buying lots of suds and Dodger Dogs, I will give you a $190 million payroll and we will win this thing.
Do we have a deal? Can I count you in?
Love and Kisses,